"And then I am going to buy my house in Kauai before I am too old to actually enjoy it," I announced, last night, mentally sealing my deal that I am going to triumph in my own business, make a six or seven-figure income and become very comfortable in life. Not that I believe money is all that we need - it's the last thing, really. But it would certainly be nice to not feel the pings of a coronary each time I get my credit card statement. Or when I take my stepson to the dentist and hear the words "insurance won't cover this." Or when I get a text from my husband casually saying "The washer broke...basement's flooded." A few extra bucks would be nice, that's all.
My mother and I were conversing on the phone the other day and I exclaimed: "It's just NOT how I planned my life to be. I had no idea it would turn out this way!" And then I instantly felt guilty because I am certain that the woman who listened quietly as she was told she had breast cancer, or that she couldn't bear children, or that her husband had been killed, her child has a debilitating disease...didn't really plan on life being this way, either.
I heard snippets of many womens' stories this week while attending National Conference for lia sophia. So many of them had a butterfly story, of how they mustered up the strength and perseverance to rise from the pits of despair and become successful in their own businesses. One woman looked at me and said, "Well you know, girlfriend, that if you want somethin' done right, you just gotta do it for yourself!" And how many times have I heard that? And how many times do I still believe I will be somehow rescued from my woes? I promise to let you know when it happens.
John Lennon said "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." As we hurdle through the day's challenges, feeling like hamsters on the wheel, life is going on around us, and, before we know it, our hair is gray, our kids are grown and have moved away and we wonder where it all went.
So, I'm scheming again. Planning, I should say...because it sounds nicer. Can I, through faith, courage, and enthusiasm, change my own path? Because the alternative is to be stagnant. Sitting in a stale pool of "wait and see." And I know I can do that, because I do it all the time. Can I feel the empowerment of being a woman in today's society, grab life by the reins and show no fear? "I'll try," I say to myself. And then I remember the saying, "There is no try; only do." So...there's that.
I had another little dream, in case Kauai didn't work out. When I lived in the south, there were these magnificent old plantation houses, with majestic cypress trees drooping over the front yard, a dog or two wandering about the long, gravelly driveway. The best part about them was that they all had these porches as big as my garage - equipped with dainty little tables, lumbering rocking chairs and giant porch swings. I imagined myself laying in the swing, reading a book, or sitting in one of those chairs, sipping a mint julep and watching the day go by. There'd be a lake or a river out back, full of fish, a rickety old dock to sit on with a dog or two by my side and a night sky so big an starry, I'd feel like I was in outer space.
For now it's just a dream. But maybe also a challenge, because, as I'm slowly grasping, this is the only chance we've got to make what we want of this life. There are no do-overs. And, the only guarantee in life is that it won't last forever.
